Windows 8 Doesn't Work Right

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

I recently installed the Windows 8 Operating System and nothing is working right! What can I do? -- Mildred

Dearest Mildred,

The Windows 8 Operating System is the work of the devil. I know some of you will not believe this, but 674 - 8 = 666, the Biblical mark of the beast!

Fortunately, your contamination isn't as bad as Betty's and your solution isn't nearly as drastic.

Please go to the nearest church and fill a small bottle up with holy water. Then, turn your computer around so that the roundish things that make the whirring noises in back (what are those things, anyway?) are facing you.

Throw the holy water into your computer with the power turned on while screaming "The Power of Christ Compels You!" You may have to repeat this several times until your computer works properly. Good luck!