WalMart Buys reddit, Appoints Paula Deen Spokeswoman

BENTON, ARKANSAS -- WalMart Corporation has purchased reddit for $1.2 trillion dollars. Reddit, described by many as a "bulletin board on steroids", consists of posts by registered users on a variety of topics that are put into various forums, called "subreddits". Users then vote on posts to determine their popularity. Some subreddits have been considered somewhat controversial for many racist postings and postings containing nudity.

John Boy Walton, co-owner of WalMart, says that former Food Network Host, Paula Deen, will be the new "face of reddit".

"Ya'll have nothin' to fear," said Deen. "We ain't gonna change any of the racist parts of the site, but we will be taking down some of the naughty pictures." Deen indicated that the subreddits concerning religion would be allowed to continue, so long as they reflected the "true, Christian religion". "The Buddhism and atheism and people kissing trees and stuff is going to have to go. Also, we're gonna capitalize that 'r'. Having it lowercase is just wrong"

Deen plans to replace many subreddits with pictures of products sold at Walmart. While testing a beta of the new site, Tech4Days noticed a number of subreddits consisted of nothing but photographs of sticks of butter. "Those are just what y'all call 'placeholders'" said Deen, who indicated that these pages would eventually be replaced with things for sale from Walmart online, as well as stories of interest to Walmart shoppers, such as how to reach the Twinkies on the top shelf when you weigh 800+ pounds and can't get out of your motorized shopping cart. (Walton confirmed that these carts were going to be renamed "Walmart Ferrari's").

To help pay the cost of purchasing and maintaining reddit, Walmart announced that front-line employee wages will be cut by 10% or half of minimum wage, whichever is lower. To get around potential legal issues, an employee "tip jar" will be placed at the entrance to each store. Walton indicated that Walmart was also looking into purchasing the People of WalMart web site.