The latest diet craze, Suzanne Somer's "Sun Chicken" diet, is taking Hollywood by storm. Tech4Days asked one of its more portly writers to review the app and program.
I've wanted to lose weight for awhile now. Programming and long hours gaming caused me to go from 180 pounds to 240. The sun chicken diet promises that, by following it meticulously, I can lose this weight in a ten days. We'll see.
Day One: I downloaded the app for Android. It's also available for iOS. It installed as any app would. Perky Suzanne Somers soon appeared on my phone and guided me through the process of entering my age, weight, emergency contact information and next of kin info. I followed her instructions and went to the supermarket and bought a whole, raw chicken. It was a nice, sunny day so I left the chicken sitting outside for eight hours, just like the instructions said. I had to chase a neighbor dog away twice, as well as a feral cat, but Suzanne had warned me, via the app, that this might happen, so I was prepared. At 7 p.m. I dutifully brought the chicken inside and left it sitting on the kitchen table. Fortunately, the Sun Chicken Diet has no restrictions on what you can eat except that Yogurt and Sour Cream are forbidden. I went and got a Chipotle Super sans sour cream, and washed it down with a 48 ounce Big Gulp.
Day Two: I put my chicken outside again, and let it fester in the sun for another 10 hours. I brought it inside and carved it up, as Suzanne Somers told me to. Day two was the hardest part of the diet. At 7 p.m. I had to eat as much of the raw chicken as possible. Per the app, I was allowed to coat it in barbecue sauce or mustard, but not Wasabi. I forced myself to eat the chicken, doused with the strongest barbecue sauce I could find and, again, washed down by copious amounts of Cola. Suzanne made it look so easy. In the video, the slippery pieces of chicken just slid right down her gullet while she kept on smiling, but I had to force myself to keep it down for at least six hours. I pushed the "Activate" button on the app, then went to bed.
Day Three: At 2:30 a.m., Suzanne Somer's peppy voice woke me and said it was time to get started though, to be honest, this was unnecessary. I felt nauseous, and had extreme stomach pains. This was perfectly normal, according to the app. Profuse vomiting and diarrhea began around 3:30. I pushed the "It's Happening" button and Suzanne Somers comforting voice said "Great! The Diet is working! You're finally going to be the you that you've always wanted to be! Don't worry, I'm with you every step of the way".
Days Four through Six: I honestly don't remember much besides lots of vomiting, diarrhea, fever dreams and, occasionally, Suzanne Somers saying "You Can Do It!" and "I'm rooting for you". Apparently, by the middle of day five, I had failed to check in so the app notified my emergency contact who says he found me passed out on the bathroom floor and rushed me to the Emergency Room.
Day Seven: I was down to 205 from 240, meaning I'd lost 35 pounds in four days. This was disappointing. In fairness, though, the app had warned me that diet might not work fully if I went to the Emergency Room before the 10th day. I entered my information and Suzanne Somers said "Don't worry, you're halfway there. In a week we can try again!"
Overall, I give the Sun Chicken Diet four out of five stars for its simplicity. I'm taking one star off because I'm not sure the app is really necessary. I probably could have done this diet without it, though Suzanne Somers words were encouraging and, at least on the small screen, she is one hell of a GILF.
SUN CHICKEN DIET APP by Suzanne Somers Enterprises, $49.99 (does not include Chicken or Hospital Bill).