Rapiscan Sexual Orientation Scanners Available

TORRANCE, CA -- Rapiscan, the company responsible for developing airport security systems, has developed a new sexual orientation scanner that can detect, with 98% or better accuracy, the sexual orientation of anyone who passes through it.
 
Company Spokeswoman Andra Genny said that the new machines are leagues above the testing currently in use by countries such as Kuwait that try to block non-heterosexuals from entering the country. "The questions for the Kuwaiti test were really basic and people could fool the screeners and still get into the country. For example, what's your favorite song, 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' or the 'Islamic Call to Prayer'' or what's your favorite food, 'Seared Ahi in a Ginger Wasabi Sauce' or 'Halal Lamb'."
 
The new machines can detect: asexuals, bisexuals, heterosexuals and homosexuals. Within those four categories, the machines can also detect: transsexuals, tranvestites, cougars, bears, otters, giraffes (those attracted to people with long necks), MILFs, GILFs, DILFs, cuckolds, zoophiliacs, voyeurs, exhibitionists, foot fetishists, frotteurs, necrophiliacs, sadists, masochists, bondage lovers, diaper/baby fetishists, fems, fatties, feeders, breeders, plushies, furbies, amputee fetishists, handicap fetishists, oculolinctists (eyeball lickers) and vampires.
 
The first six machines were sold to Rowan County where County Clerk Kim Davis has announced they will be used to prevent "perverts" from "invading the county". Said Davis: "Everyone here is related to each other. My current husband is also my brother, and that's the way God intended it. We don't need no outsiders interfering with our way of life.
 
The company also has a contract to sell several hundred of the machines to Russia, where they will be installed at various airports to prevent anyone except vanilla heterosexuals from entering the country. The company also has contracts to sell the machines to airports in New York, London, San Francisco, Berlin and Amsterdam where they will be used, for a small fee, to save people time finding hookups. Tech4Days encourages responsible adult behavior. If you are going to lick someone's eyeball and you don't know them well, please make sure they are wearing a contact lens for protection.