REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft Corporation announced today an urgent patch for its various products used to control life support systems in hospitals throughout the world. The company strongly urges customers to install these patches as quickly as possible. The patches, and what they fix, are:
- Microsoft Breather: Fixes bugs that sometimes cause an entire life support system to fail if a hospital staffer tries to play Angry Birds PC Edition while simultaneously inserting a breathing tube.
- Microsoft Heart-Lung Machine: Fixes bugs that cause skipped heartbeats if too many system resources are being used at once.
- Microsoft Bed: Fixes bugs that sometimes cause a patient to be flattened by a hospital bed top and bottom simultaneously folding if the down arrow key was held too long with Accessibility Options turned on.
- Microsoft Kidney Cleanse: Fixes a bug that can inadvertently pump corn syrup into a user's blood if they are hooked up to an NVidia Dialysis Machine.
- Microsoft Viagra Falls: Fixes a bug that could sometimes cause an erection lasting more than four hours.
Microsoft indicated that further patches may be released in the future, and that they are investigating reports that Microsoft software running various artificial bladder machines can sometimes cause embarrassing leakage. "While these reports are unconfirmed," said a company spokesperson, "we would recommend caution and Depends".