Horrible Images on Husband's Computer

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

Last night I came home from bingo early and found that someone had filled my husband's computer with the most vile images you can imagine! People (mostly) doing all sorts of horrible things to and with each other. My poor husband was so shell shocked by this assault of imagery that he just sat there, stupefied, and even seemed shocked to see me, his own wife of 20 years! The poor man was so disoriented by this filth that he didn't even have his pants on!

But it gets worse. I looked through his desk while he was cutting the grass and found at least a dozen DVDs of these filthy images in his desk drawer. This can only mean one thing--the same people who have pushed these images into his computer have broken into our house! What can I do? Why do they want my husband? He says he has no idea how any of these things got onto his computer or into his desk drawer, and doesn't even remember that he wasn't wearing pants when I came home.

How do these people get away with purveying this stuff onto innocent victims like my poor husband? What can I do about it? Should I call the police? -- Betty

Dearest Betty,

I'm afraid your problem is way past the stage where the police can do anything to help. It sounds as if your entire home has been infested with demons. Sadly, I see no alternative but to burn the entire home to the ground, including everything inside. Please take the necessary precautions to protect your neighbors' houses before doing this. I recommend building an asbestos dome around your house, but with sufficient air intake to support combustion for at least the three hours it will take to rid your home of the demons. Good luck!