WASHINGTON, DC -- Several prominent Republicans expressed outrage this week over Apple Corporation giving 300 million people free copies of the new U2 album.
"We have a major first-world problem on our hands," said House Speaker John Boehner. "Somehow Apple thinks they have the right to use the tubes of the internet to send people free music. Well, this liberal democratic communist socialism will not stand!"
Representative Paul Ryan commented: "first it's free music, next people will expect a free upgrade to iOS 8. What's next? People expecting free healthcare or water?!?"
Meanwhile, President Obama brushed aside the controversy saying "it's free music. If you don't like it, just delete it."
"We can expect that kind of response from the antichrist," said Televangelist Pat Robertson. "People in Kenya like U2 and the drumbeats in the music are only going to incite more people to rise in Jihad! I urge all of my viewers to erase this free music, then go to Amazon, BUY 10 copies of the CD, and burn them. Then send me the ashes as proof, along with $100 for my ministry. God bless you all."