Ask the Cyberlady


Sinful Touching

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

I suspect that my college-aged son, who lives with me, is sometimes touching himself in an un-Godly manner. How can I get proof? -- Marge

A. Dear Marge,

This is an easy one to solve. Companies like Nike and Fitbit make wristbands that record someone's daily movement.

Buy one of these, and cover it with glitter and sparkles so your son doesn't know what it is. Give it to him as a little present to show how much you love him. He'll be proud to wear it!

At night, when he goes to sleep, take the bracelet from his nightstand and plug it into a computer. You'll see a chart with a little line across it. When the line is flat it means your son is sitting or lying down. If the line is steady in the middle it means he's walking. If the line bounces up and down, though, that means your son is engaged in ungodly touching of himself.

However, if the line is bouncing up and down for more than five minutes, it means your son is likely fornicating and you've got even bigger problems. Good luck, Marge!

P.S.: Don't forget to make sure he wears the bracelet on his main hand. If he's right-handed and wears it on the left you won't get an accurate reading of his sinful activities.

P.S.S.: Make sure you're wearing gloves when you touch the infernal thing!!!

Computer Dating

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

Do you approve of computer dating? I was just wondering -- Natalie

A. Dear Natalie,

Heavens yes! How else would I be able to tell when a file was created, or if my grandkids are lying to me about the date they send emails. What a silly question!

Which Video Card Should I Buy?

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

Who do you think makes a better video card, ATI or NVidia? Do you recommend overclocking? Do you think pixel shading is overrated? Thanks--Mike

Dearest Mike

I'm very sorry, but this column is only for technology related issues. You may want to try Dear Abby or a good therapist. Good luck!

Windows 8 Doesn't Work Right

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

I recently installed the Windows 8 Operating System and nothing is working right! What can I do? -- Mildred

Dearest Mildred,

The Windows 8 Operating System is the work of the devil. I know some of you will not believe this, but 674 - 8 = 666, the Biblical mark of the beast!

Fortunately, your contamination isn't as bad as Betty's and your solution isn't nearly as drastic.

Please go to the nearest church and fill a small bottle up with holy water. Then, turn your computer around so that the roundish things that make the whirring noises in back (what are those things, anyway?) are facing you.

Throw the holy water into your computer with the power turned on while screaming "The Power of Christ Compels You!" You may have to repeat this several times until your computer works properly. Good luck!

Horrible Images on Husband's Computer

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

Last night I came home from bingo early and found that someone had filled my husband's computer with the most vile images you can imagine! People (mostly) doing all sorts of horrible things to and with each other. My poor husband was so shell shocked by this assault of imagery that he just sat there, stupefied, and even seemed shocked to see me, his own wife of 20 years! The poor man was so disoriented by this filth that he didn't even have his pants on!

But it gets worse. I looked through his desk while he was cutting the grass and found at least a dozen DVDs of these filthy images in his desk drawer. This can only mean one thing--the same people who have pushed these images into his computer have broken into our house! What can I do? Why do they want my husband? He says he has no idea how any of these things got onto his computer or into his desk drawer, and doesn't even remember that he wasn't wearing pants when I came home.

How do these people get away with purveying this stuff onto innocent victims like my poor husband? What can I do about it? Should I call the police? -- Betty

Dearest Betty,

I'm afraid your problem is way past the stage where the police can do anything to help. It sounds as if your entire home has been infested with demons. Sadly, I see no alternative but to burn the entire home to the ground, including everything inside. Please take the necessary precautions to protect your neighbors' houses before doing this. I recommend building an asbestos dome around your house, but with sufficient air intake to support combustion for at least the three hours it will take to rid your home of the demons. Good luck!

Kids Web Surfing All Day

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

I have three children, ages 5, 7 and 12. I want them to be more physically active and not playing video games and web surfing all day. What can I do? Also, how do I protect them from inadvertently stumbling onto offensive content? How can I tell if they've visited such sites? -- Tiffany