March 2014

Comcast Buys Internet

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Comcast Corporation announced that it has purchased the entire Internet in exchange for a $3 million payment to the federal government. The company plans to continue to offer high-speed internet access, but will begin adding a $50 "Internet Fee" to all bills. Users who do not have Comcast will no longer be allowed to surf the web.

"Six Cameras Just Aren't Enough"

SEATTLE, WA -- Amazon corporation is rumored to be developing a cell phone with six cameras attached, five on the phone itself and one on a long cable for capturing upskirt photos (this feature is automatically disabled in Massachusetts).

Unfortunately, users have decided they won't be buying this yet-to-exist phone.

"Only six cameras?" said one hipster, who rolled his eyes so hard his Google Glass rebooted itself, "I'll pass until they have at least eight."