February 2014

Microsoft A.I. Predicts Seattle Superbowl Victory

REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft Corporation announced today that, two weeks ago, its super-secret algorithm "Predictor Plus", correctly predicted that the Seattle Seahawks would win the Super Bowl with a final score of 43-8.

Spokeswoman Marla Surface said:

It's amazing how awesome our new technology is. We are still leagues above our competitors. Did Apple predict this victory? Did Google? Nope!

Sinful Touching

Q. Dear Cyberlady,

I suspect that my college-aged son, who lives with me, is sometimes touching himself in an un-Godly manner. How can I get proof? -- Marge

A. Dear Marge,

This is an easy one to solve. Companies like Nike and Fitbit make wristbands that record someone's daily movement.

Buy one of these, and cover it with glitter and sparkles so your son doesn't know what it is. Give it to him as a little present to show how much you love him. He'll be proud to wear it!

At night, when he goes to sleep, take the bracelet from his nightstand and plug it into a computer. You'll see a chart with a little line across it. When the line is flat it means your son is sitting or lying down. If the line is steady in the middle it means he's walking. If the line bounces up and down, though, that means your son is engaged in ungodly touching of himself.

However, if the line is bouncing up and down for more than five minutes, it means your son is likely fornicating and you've got even bigger problems. Good luck, Marge!

P.S.: Don't forget to make sure he wears the bracelet on his main hand. If he's right-handed and wears it on the left you won't get an accurate reading of his sinful activities.

P.S.S.: Make sure you're wearing gloves when you touch the infernal thing!!!