June 2013

Apple Unveils Inflatable, Round Mac Pro

CUPERTINO, CA--Apple has announced its new line of Mac Pro Computers. Unlike the current Mac Pros, which are rectangular and weight close to 20 pounds, the new Mac Pros will be round and weigh approximately 12 ounces.

Additionally, the new computers will deflate in under 30 seconds for easy transport, and be re-inflatable using a proprietary pumping mechanism that has yet to be announced.

Microsoft Giving Away Free "Flock of Seagulls" EP

REDMOND, WASHINGTON--Microsoft has announced a special promotion where, for a limited time, purchasers of a new Windows Phone will receive a free digital download of the reunited Flock of Seagulls E.P. VP Steve Ballmer denied that this is in response to Samsung giving away one million copies of the new Jay-Z album. "We just wanted to give Windows users something special and unique," said Ballmer.

"Neighbors" App Seeks to Recreate "Good Old Days"

BOISE, IDAHO--BoiseSoftWerks is releasing its new Skype-like chat app "Neighbors". Unlike Skype, Neighbors restricts users to chatting with those who are 100 feet away or less.

"When I was growing up, neighbors would sit outside on their porches and talk with each other," said company founder Nathaniel Dekwerp. "Today, everyone is inside, even on nice summer nights, sitting at their computers. I wanted to create something that would let people socialize with their neighbors again."

AT&T to Offer Apps for Landline Phones

NEW YORK, NY -- In a continuing bid to keep the landline relevant in an increasingly cellular world, AT&T announced today a series of landline-based apps available only to landline subscribers. The apps will be released in the coming months, and can be purchased individually for 99 cents a month, or as a bundle for $4.99 per month once the entire series of apps is available.

Church to Offer In-Pew Purchases

VATICAN CITY -- The Catholic Church's Committee Helping Returns In Startup Technology (CHRIST) has announced that it will retrofit 37 large cathedrals throughout the world to enable parishioners to make in-pew purchases.

Church CIO Fr. Barrilla Ronzoni is in charge of this massive project, which will involve retrofitting pews with touch screens which only activate when parishioners kneel.

NSA to Offer Drone-Cam Subscriptions

WASHINGTON, DC -- In an effort to reduce the Federal Budget Deficit, Congress and the Obama Administration have authorized the National Security Agency (NSA) to offer drone-cam subscriptions to anyone residing in the United States.

Said Press Secretary Jay Carney: "We have had so much fun looking into people's houses, watching them in their cars, etc. that we decided it's just not fair to keep this all to ourselves."

There will be three subscription levels: